If you tie a towel around your neck and use it as a cape, you can fly. This only works if you take a big running start from the top of a really tall building though. Try it! It works!
You should just let people run with scissors. It's natural selection, man.
If you are ever ticketed, here's what you do. Rip up the ticket and tell the officer kindly that this is a free country, and I choose not to take this ticket.
Kids, don't listen to your parents! Do whatever floats your boat. If you listen to them all the time you'll find they get more and more controlling until you no longer have free will. Explain to them there are no laws that state you have to listen to them, therefore you refuse!
You people need to stop being narrowminded and start considering the alternatives! Another thing they don't tell you: Forget razors! Shaving with razors is slow, ineffective, and usually painful. Use an electric sander! Or if you're on a budget, sandpaper will do fine. Its much quicker, less painful, and much more effective! Trust me, you won't have a hair left, not even stubble!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
It's always a good idea to carry a Kryptonite cross, because then you can keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
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